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Why did loneliness lead me to psychosis?
I was studying abroad. I wasn’t able to make friends, and worse than that, I made some people angry at me (I think, because they would snigger at everything I did). As a few weeks passed I started to think that people on facebook were doing things related to me, like if they would come online it would be because I did something online. Like everything I was doing was somehow having an effect on people’s activities on facebook. I was having fights with (the people I thought disliked me) songs on Spotify. For example someone would play ‘My god, he knows me’ and I would think of it as an insult and play ‘Retarded retard’.
(Oh, god, this is so embarassing, but please do give me an answer if you have one).
Near the new years eve, I spent a lot of time hungry as I was too depressed/lazy to cook, and at midnight I was convinced my computer was hacked. There were some compromising videos (heh) on there, and I was certain that the people who disliked me were putting those videos up, editing them, all over the world. The noise, loud music, and everyone going ‘Happy new years’ only strengthened my belief. It was the worst thing I ever faced (held a knife on my neck, until my flatmate’s boyfriend cam out of nowhere).
A week later I went into class. And in the second class, I suddenly realised people were hearing my thoughts. I stopped going to class because of that, and took an interruption 1 week before the exams as I hadn’t studied anything. I thought I was being tested on for some technology that enables people to hear thoughts. But I realised it wasn’t true 2 months later, when a teacher failed to recognise who I was, and the psychosis period ended.
I am fine now, on 2mg risperidone for safety. But I am scared a lot because I am going abroad again for studies, and wondering if it will come back.
My response: That’s quite a story, harrowing and uplifting all at once.
As I only know what you’ve posted here about your experience I would say your disturbance might have been a combination of being in a foreign country, anxious, alone and with the stress of academic pursuits. I imagine that this may have been the first real move away from your family which is always a vulnerable time for a young person and it isn’t unusual for the young person to experience what you did.
I think it was a combination of stressors, not the least of which is being alone in a foreign country by yourself. I’m so happy to have read that this psychotic episode has passed and can certainly empathize with your struggle as well as your trepidation regarding re-experiencing that episode again.
Good luck. I hope you are working with a therapist to really understand in depth what led to such a frightening experience, one I expect that will increase your empathy for others who find themselves in a the throes of their own psychotic episode